


First star of a new year

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Series: First Star Series [4]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Children, Christmas Tree, Emotional Hurt, Happy Ending, Healing, Hope, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, New Year's Eve, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28435044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: I was requested to do something for this verse for Christmas or New Year's. This is a sequel to First star you see may not be a star.Short recap: Isak can't handle being touched, because of his traumatic childhood. Even and him make do. Isak has an imaginary friend, Issy, a seven year old boy who represents himself as a child. After some intensive therapy, Isak has set Issy free, to start his own journey to become a whole person. Isak and Even are married now.This doesn't make much sense if you don't read at least parts two and three first, but the whole First star verse is one of my personal favourites. It's angsty, and painful, but filled with hope. This part will be heavily on the angsty and painful side, at first, and then it will get better.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: First Star Series [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875022
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	First star of a new year

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Midlifecrisis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midlifecrisis/gifts).



> I mean it when I say angsty and painful. Isak and Even will have to deal with the pain of giving up the possibility to have children, and it doesn't go over smoothly.
> 
> I'm planning on this taking just a couple of chapters, though, so we don't get to wallow in the angst for too long.

A christmas tree was the most beautiful thing Isak knew to ever exist. He loved the lights, and the thin vintage glass ornaments he had bought at a ridiculous price on eBay, and all the tinsel and garlands. But most of all, he loved the smell. Isak closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

“Are you under the tree again?” Even asked from the bathroom. Isak opened his eyes. The lights and sparkling above him were so pretty.

“Maybe?”

“Isak! I don’t want needles in the bed. Your hair is going to be full of them!”

“You’re the one who forgot to water the tree, so it’s your own damn fault the needles are falling in the first place”, Isak reminded his husband.

It was still hard to believe that he had a husband. Isak raised his hand in front of his face. He rubbed at the rings on his finger with his thumb. The roped engagement ring, and the smooth white gold band from their wedding. The inside had his name engraved on it, in Even’s handwriting. Isak had written Even’s name for Even’s ring at least two hundred times and he still hadn’t got it right. Even claimed to love it anyway, and Isak chose to believe him.

Even’s feet stopped at the living room doorway. Seeing them made Isak smile. He rested his hand on his chest.

“Come here”, Isak said. Even laughed, softly.

“I’ll get needles in my hair, too.”

“I’ll pick them out. I promise.”

Even’s toes curled up a bit. The tips pressed harder against the floor.

“Really?” Even half whispered. Isak rolled his eyes.

“I don’t joke about touching you. It would be cruel.”

“I know, I know, it’s just. Been a while.”

Isak just nodded. Even probably couldn’t see him through the decorations and the branches. He hadn’t touched Even in a while. He had wanted to, but Christmas had been hard on him this year. Now that Issy wasn’t around anymore. Isak didn’t need him, but he sure missed him sometimes.

Even walked to him. Isak followed his feet with his eyes. Then he saw Even’s legs, and his hand as Even supported himself, and bit by bit the rest of Even appeared on the floor next to Isak. Isak smiled at the sight.

“Hello, beautiful”, Even said. Isak kept smiling.

“Speak for yourself.” How could Even possibly have been so beautiful? It didn’t seem fair to everyone else.

“So. Why did you want me here?”

Isak turned to look upward again. The tree was so pretty. It smelled so good.

“Last Christmas I lied here with Issy. He loved Christmas, and he loved the tree.” Isak had to blink for a bit. The lights were getting blurry. “I guess I just wanted to share this with someone.”

Even looked up, as well. His smile had a sad hue.

“I miss him too”, Even said. “I understand why he had to go, and I’m happy he was able to, but still -- I miss the kid. He was awesome.”

Isak nodded. Yes. Issy had been awesome. Isak missed him so much. Isak could feel his eyes get mistier, the salt burning them, and he shook his head.

“Fuck, sorry. I don’t mean to -- I mean, he is gone, and it’s a good thing. I’m more whole. I’m more me.”

“But?” Even asked, calmly. He knew Isak so well. He knew when to give Isak time, and when to poke him a bit. Isak sighed.

“Do you want kids?” Isak asked. “I mean. Not right now, but. Some day?”

A darkness was spread across Even’s face.

“We have talked about this”, Even said. He wasn’t wrong. They had, or at least tried to, but this kind of conversations were ones you were supposed to have again and again, right? Circumstances changed. Opinions changed. People changed.

“Yes. I take it that you haven’t changed your mind?”

The darkness deepened. Even’s eyes almost disappeared into it. Even was drowning in it, and Isak didn’t know if he could pull him up.

He had forgotten what true terror felt like.

“Me changing my mind doesn’t make a difference”, Even finally said. His words didn’t release Isak’s heart from the icy grip, they made it tighter. Or, more accurately, Even’s voice did. “I told you. I can’t have children. I can’t be responsible of actual, living children, because I am crazy like that.”

Isak stared at Even, helpless. He could feel all that anger hit him, like a pressure wave, he could feel it in his body and it hurt.

“You have been nothing short of great with Issy, ever”, Isak tried. Even scoffed.

“Issy was not real. Issy didn’t get hit by a car because I wasn’t paying attention at the wrong time. Issy didn’t go hungry because I forgot that eating is a thing. I could not hurt Issy, and that was the best thing about him.”

Even crawled out from under the tree. He got stuck on the branches in his hurry, shaking a rain of needles at Isak’s face. One of the glass ornaments dropped, too, and shattered on the floor. The sound made them both jump.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry!” Even landed on his knees next to Isak. “Hold still. You have shards on you. Please tell me you didn’t get any in your eyes.”

Isak blinked slowly. That would probably have been a stupid move, if he had actually gotten shards in his eyes, but it was too late to take it back now. It was too late to take anything back.

“I didn’t”, Isak muttered. Then he closed his eyes and did his best to not freak out at Even’s fingers almost touching him. Even was being careful. He picked the shards from Isak’s clothes and hair, and from the floor. He collected them carefully on his palm, babbling apologies which Isak couldn’t acknowledge from trying so hard to not lose it.

Isak opened his eyes when he heard Even go to the kitchen. He took a couple of deep breaths. He was okay. He was safe. Even loved him, and he loved Even, and they were going to make it. They were married. Forever.

Isak crawled out slowly. He didn’t want to break any more ornaments, or shake more needles out of the tree. He had made enough of a mess as it was. He was sitting on the living room floor, hugging his knees, and listening to Even throw the shards in the trash.

“I’m sorry I asked”, Isak said quietly. “I’ve just been thinking about it lately. About. You know.”

About children. If he wanted any. The more in touch with himself Isak was getting, the more possible the idea had started to seem - and a wish grew with that possibility. An empty wish. Isak had known perfectly well when he had agreed to marry Even, that they weren’t going to have children, ever. Isak had made a choice, and he still stood by that choice, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t at least thinking about it. At times.

“I have been thinking about it too. Not lately, but in general, and I have made my peace with it.” Even was speaking softer, but Isak could still feel the darkness. The impact of accusation. Unless it was his own guilty conscience. “But. If you can’t --”

Even’s voice cracked. The rugged edge cut through Isak’s flesh. It was going to leave a nasty scar.

“Then what?” Isak asked, after a long, scared silence.

“I’m not going to keep you from having children if you want them. I just can’t have them myself.” Even paused. Isak listened to his breathing, how it got caught in his throat. “If you can’t make peace with not having kids, then we should stop being married to each other.”

Isak pressed his head on his knees. A couple of dried up green needles fell from his hair and landed on the side of his palm.


End file.
